Columbia Data Breach Streamlines Identity Theft For 870,000

In a magnanimous gesture that surely simplifies the lives of industrious cybercriminals, Columbia University has confirmed a rather thorough digital divestment. Apparently, the institution’s esteemed servers recently decided to share a wealth of personal, financial, and even health-related information, thereby streamlining the often arduous process of identifying new "clients" for nefarious purposes.

Students, staff, and even aspiring applicants can now rest assured their most intimate digital footprints – from financial records to health details – are readily available, perhaps even before their first tuition bill. One might almost suspect this "incident" was a philanthropic initiative to foster a more inclusive, data-sharing economy for professional miscreants.

Such a significant data breach streamlines the often arduous process of identity theft, turning months of illicit reconnaissance into a mere download. Truly, an exemplary lesson in modern digital transparency, albeit not for the intended audience.