Bitcoin Falls After Trump Declares Trade War On All Known Physics

The President’s recent declaration of a comprehensive trade embargo against the very principles of general relativity and quantum mechanics has, perhaps predictably, sent tremors through global markets. While previous skirmishes targeted mere steel or soybeans, the White House now aims its considerable economic might at recalcitrant constants and stubborn natural laws. Such audacious policy, many note, seems particularly well-suited to the current administration’s innovative approach to reality.

Bitcoin, that digital harbinger of fiscal stability, reportedly took the news with its usual stoicism: by plummeting. Analysts are now scrambling to adjust their algorithms, which previously accounted for such quaint notions as gravity and the speed of light. Evidently, these are now considered unfair trade war practices, subject to retaliatory tariffs and perhaps, outright sanctions.

One can only speculate on the long-term implications for the universal constants. Will Planck’s constant remain steadfast, or will it, too, be forced to concede to American exceptionalism? Investors, meanwhile, are advised to diversify into assets that might prove resilient to the impending renegotiation of the weak nuclear force. It’s a brave new world, where even the Higgs boson may soon find itself subjected to a non-disclosure agreement.