Bitcoin Bear Market Confirmed To Have Begun Before Its Creation

It has been revealed by the sages of algorithmic finance that the current Bitcoin bear market, far from being a recent phenomenon, actually commenced in the primordial digital soup long before Satoshi Nakamoto even dreamt of a distributed ledger. Experts, poring over complex charts and tea leaves, have retroactively pinpointed the precise nadir of this decline to a period roughly coinciding with the invention of the wheel, or perhaps slightly before. This uncannily accurate financial analysis confirms that the peak was, naturally, reached just moments prior to the asset’s conceptual birth.

Such profound insights into market cycles should provide immense comfort to investors. Why worry about unpredictable global events or regulatory crackdowns when the entire trajectory of an asset, from its non-existent infancy to its pre-ordained doom, has already been mapped out by the invisible hand of pre-destiny? It seems we’re merely spectators in a meticulously pre-scripted drama, where every peak and trough was filed away by the universe’s most efficient prognostication algorithm before the first block was ever mined.