Banking Value Soars 50% After Consultants Invent New Math

It seems the age-old problem of global transaction banking profitability has been solved, not by market forces or ethical practices, but by a simple conceptual breakthrough. Esteemed strategists, known for their uncanny ability to conjure percentage points from thin air, have reportedly devised a "path" for institutions to magically inflate their value by a staggering 50%. This delightful news arrives despite the minor trifles of geopolitical uncertainty, the inconvenient truth of customer demands, and the general unpleasantness of low-interest rates.

Apparently, these erstwhile challenges merely require a different perspective, or perhaps, a creative redefinition of "value" itself, ushering in an era of unprecedented profitability for "distinctive players." One can only assume this revolutionary "new math" primarily benefits the esteemed consulting firm responsible for its discovery, perhaps by adding a similar percentage to their invoice totals. After all, why struggle with real-world economics when you can simply recalibrate the ledger?